Diffusing Difficult Situations
By Pedro A. Briceño

One of the main skills we look for in our managers at Autobell Car Wash is their capability to defuse difficult situations. Whether working with customers, employees, or anyone else during the course of daily operations, our goal is for them to be able to efficiently resolve the situation and maintain a win-win relationship for years to come.

First, we find ourselves a “people person.” If our mission were to climb trees, we would prefer to hire a squirrel. It is hard to teach a horse to climb a tree. The squirrel, with the right attitude, can be trained for proficiency to increase our return on investment and our longevity in the car wash business. A “people person” understands that we are dealing with human beings — that we are more alike than different — human beings want to be understood, heard, and treated with respect.

One defining trait of human beings is that we are “emotional beings.” Some people would prefer to argue that they are very logical. If they are honest with themselves, they will notice that the logic they claim to use to make decisions is nothing more than rationalizations to the emotional decision they have already made. In order to have a chance to resolve any difficult situation, we have to understand this defining characteristic. We have a tendency to jump to solve problems by ignoring this fact. Most of the time, when this happens, we make the situation worse or defuse it temporarily, only to have it resurface later and hinder us by creating resentment in the relationship.

We suggest, that before you can deal with an emotional situation, you must first deal with the emotions of that angry human being. You don’t have to be a psychologist to do this. It is a matter of making that person feel important and understood. To do just this, you must learn how to listen.

LISTENING

Listening is a crucial skill that, unfortunately, is not taught and does not come naturally to some of us. We have all taken reading, writing, and speaking classes in school, at some point in our lives. But listening is often ignored. Just because we have two ears doesn’t mean we necessarily know how to listen. We tend to confuse listening with hearing. Hearing is the ability to perceive sound waves by detecting vibrations via our ears, while listening is the process of decoding sound waves and visual clues to make sense of the world in which we live. In one word, listening is to understand. Keep in mind that understanding does not mean to agree.

Reacting
Does anyone ever tell you, “You don’t listen to me”? Guess what? They are right. Let’s see how good of a listener you are. I will give you three words, one by one. Tell me what comes first to your mind when you hear the word. BLACK...TALL... POOR. What came to your mind? Did you think WHITE... SHORT...RICH or anything other than the original words? Did you listen?

The answer is no. You did not listen. You reacted. Don’t feel bad. Unconsciously you are conditioned to react because the main function of our brain is to keep us alive; it has to react and think ahead...way ahead. You have to slow it down and actually consciously record what you are hearing. When I said “BLACK,” you should have said “BLACK.” When I said “TALL,” you should have said “TALL,” and so forth. We call this process recording, which is the foundation for listening. This enables us to deal with the emotion first and then, and only then, the real problem can be addressed. It is like peeling an onion. You have to peel it before you can get to the core. Have you ever had someone tell you, “I just want you to listen, nothing else?” It is a basic human need. Another way to understand this is looking at the role of a translator. The job of the translator is to get the message in one language and translate it into another one. The translator does not express his or her opinion, judge, or react. He just restates the meaning from one language to the other.

Body Language
When you are recording, your body language is in agreement with what you are hearing, and your full energy and concentration is focused on the other person, making this person feel important, understood, and listened to.

Researchers who spend their life studying communication tell us that as much as 55 percent of the meaning of any message is conveyed visually. And as much as 75 percent of that 55 percent comes from our facial expressions.

When you are in the reacting mode, the other person can read your body language and notice that you are getting ready for war, escalating the situation instead of diffusing it. For example, if a customer is telling you that he or she feels that you damaged his or her vehicle in the car wash, are you thinking:

“You are crazy! What an idiot!”
“You are lying and trying to get something for free.”
“You are wrong.”
“Once you shut up I can ...”

Are you jumping to a solution without listen to the whole story?

What do you think your body language is saying to the customer while you are reacting? Look at yourself in a mirror and see. On the other hand, if you are recording the customer’s feedback, your body language is saying “I care” ...”You are important to me”... “I am listening.”

When the customer says, “Your brush scratched my door,” your brain should hit record. You owe the customer the benefit of the doubt. Remember “the brush scratched the door” or a paraphrase that conveys the same message. This action forces your brain to listen and to understand. Listen to acquire the information you do not have, so you can figure out what to do next. Sometimes, doing nothing is the right solution. The customer will say, “Thank you for listening.”

Responding
While we are listening/recording, we should demonstrate this by nodding and encouraging the customer to tell us more. Let your gestures and body, especially your face, show that you care. The meaning of any message comes from our visual indicators. Also, pay attention to the tone of your voice. Keep it calm and relaxed. If you let the reactive autopilot take over, you will sound either defensive or offensive.

Whatever you say, make sure to “be real.” If you truly care, it will be easy and will come to you. If you are insincere and spout out memorized phrases from a book, you will sound rehearsed; it will be perceived as if you are trying to manipulate the customer. Also, as you relate to the customer, use his or her name. To them, their name is sweet music. It also helps to express that you care. For example, when you get the opportunity to talk you may say, “Mr. Smith, let me make sure I understand your point of view. Please correct me if I am wrong...”

Science tells us that when people are upset, they operate mainly from the emotional right side of the brain. It is our job to try to switch them to the logical and rational left side of the brain. We should encourage left brain activity. Use sequence, for example. Play back to the customer, in sequence, the facts of the problem. For example, “First, you did not see the scratch before. Second, you feel that the brush did it. Third,...” It forces the angry customer to switch gears from emotional to logical.

Attitude
I will conclude with a few more hints. Your attitude must be a helpful one. Don’t take the customer’s anger personally. They may be angry enough to cause them to make a bad judgment and to behave negatively toward you. Keep calm; that is the only way you have control of the situation and the opportunity to create a win-win solution. Avoid saying:

“What is the problem?”
“Calm down.”
“Let me talk.”

Whatever you decide to do to solve the problem, you should ask the angry human being, “Is that fair to you?” to ensure that you are on the right track. As you deal with angry people successfully, your confidence will grow and you will enjoy your job more. Diffusing difficult situations does not have to be disheartening or confrontational. You could be “the hero,” if you like people.

Pedro Briceño is the management development coordinator for Charlotte, NC-based Autobell Car Wash Inc.